This Sunday, the 22^nd,  will mark 3 years to the day that my wife Claudia died from cervical cancer and went home to live, finally, pain free , healed for eternity, and joyous in the presence of Jesus. Then the next Saturday, the 28^th, I will marry my new beautiful fiancée Ellen Sellers! These past 3 years have been a journey I would not have chosen if it were up to me, but one that God has led me through and shown me his gentle hand as he has lead me from despair to new hope and joy for a future together with Ellen! The scripture I chose to help me get through Claudia’s cancer battle, and then face life alone, was Isaiah 41:10:

¹⁰  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I can honestly say that there have been moments of dismay and discouragement over these 3 years, but through it all God has strengthened me, upheld me at every turn, and healed the brokenness in my soul and given me new hope, purpose, and joy!

I would like to share briefly some of my thoughts over these years, and how my perspective has changed, and hopefully this may help some of you as you go through the joys and trials of life we all face.

The Comfort Zone

 If you had asked me 5 years ago how life was going, I would have said it was wonderful! Claudia and I were retired, had a wonderful family with 9 grandchildren, and we loved where we lived in Canadian Lakes and had many new, wonderful friends and support! We had several small groups of friends to “do life” together, I could golf all I wanted, and we had many opportunities to serve Jesus and just really enjoy life. We were living in what may be called a “comfort zone” and it was, well, comfortable! For those who knew Claudia, not only did she have a beautiful voice, but she was very outgoing and people just loved being around her! Since I’m a little introverted, I benefitted from Claudia’s friendships and enjoyed many new friends because I was her husband and was just “tagging along”.

We all love and desire to live in “comfort zones”, don’t we? … that place where we’re pretty healthy, life is good, our family is doing well, and life seems to have purpose, meaning, and joy! While they are nice to be in, comfort zones don’t last forever, and we need a reality check sometimes that this life on earth is difficult, flawed, and fallen from what God originally intended for us in the Garden of Eden! As Jesus was explaining to his disciples his own pending torture and death to save us from sin and the brokenness of this world, he reminded them in John 16:33:  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

A Time of Transitions…

Our “comfort zone” bubble was broken with one phone call from her doctor. After some tests for what they thought may be an ulcer, a nurse called us and told her “you’re full of tumors and we’re sending you to the cancer center in Grand Rapids”.  Claudia fell into my arms, sobbing, and saying “I’m going to die!” In our first meeting with the cancer specialists, she was told she had stage 4 cancer. Life changed quickly, dramatically, and got much darker and more fearful. Claudia was led to choose a verse from 2 Chronicles 20:15 to take her through her cancer battle: ¹⁵  He said:  This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.

Even though facing her “vast army” of tumors, this verse strengthened her and I saw God fight for her in many ways, even though the ultimate outcome was not what we prayed for.  God works in the times of transition and difficulty in ways he can never work through us when we’re in a comfort zone! I saw Claudia get spiritually and mentally stronger as she faced 3 chemo rounds, a grueling 7 ½ hour surgery, and then amaze the doctors as she quickly recovered and got stronger. The doctors gave us hope that she might be able to live 5-10 years, only to then see the cancer return quickly and that prognosis change to 6 months.

Some people might say that verse didn’t work, and God failed us by allowing Claudia to die. I can understand that thought, but they fail to see God’s perspective on life and what he ultimately desires for us. The question for Claudia and all of is not will we die, but when. A friend reminded me of a saying during this battle that “none of us are going to get out of here alive”. I certainly wish that Claudia would have been healed physically and that now she would be praising God in song and sharing that hope and encouragement with me and others! But as I reflect on that time with her, I now see God used her in a different way to profoundly affect others and give them hope. Claudia decided to share her cancer journey very publically on Facebook, giving updates and sharing her struggles as well as how God was giving her peace and strength through the fight. This encouraged me to write blogs about our experience, and God used all of this to encourage others going through cancer and other trials, and knowing that was very encouraging to us as well! A good friend told us “You taught us how to die”, and they will never know how much that meant to us! I truly admire how Claudia died with such faith and love for God and her family and friends, and I truly believe that was part of God’s purpose for her.

I am reminded of what Paul says in Romans 8:

¹⁸  I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. – Romans 8:18 (NIV)
²⁸  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28 (NIV)
I am encouraged that all of Claudia’s sufferings can’t begin to compare to the joy and glory she experiences today! And as hard as it was to watch her die, I also believe that God used that for his larger good plan and purpose, and someday we will see that more clearly.

After Claudia died, a major life transition began for me in a new way!

Now I was “single” again, a state I had not found myself in for 43 years! Most men expect to die first and hope to escape dealing with this dilemma! While many folks are happy and fulfilled to remain single, I had such a wonderful experience sharing life with Claudia that I asked God to help me find another wonderful woman to share the rest of my life with! So, I began online dating, two words I never previously thought would cross my mind or lips! And, what an interesting and sometimes confusing experience it was! I know my stories of dating were of great interest and amusement to my golfing buddies in the summertime! I’m glad I could entertain you!

I found it daunting suddenly being single again, as I was so used to being part of a team of “Claudia and Tom”. Being just “Tom” again felt too much like being in high school or college again, and I felt very different around my married friends. Nothing was the same as it was before, not my friends, my house, or even my family in some ways. So, oddly enough, I actually learned to enjoy talking with other single women online! They shared the same fears and feelings that I had, and I learned a lot from them and a lot about myself!

In a nutshell, I talked with about a dozen women over about 2 years. I was particularly looking for women who had a strong Christian faith, and all of those I talked to were wonderful, faithful women. I found that at an older age it was much more complicated than it was when we were young and just starting out! We have our own homes, families, communities, financial interests, churches, hobbies, etc., and these are all significant things to work through! I actually “went out” a few times with about 5 women altogether, and Ellen and I met a year ago in September and have been growing in love together ever since!

Ellen and I have talked a lot about “transitions”! She has been single for longer than I have, so the idea of getting married is even more scary for her than me! And I am slowly saying goodbye to my life and friends in Canadian Lakes, as I plan to sell my home next year and move to the Fenton area, where she will sell her house also and then buy a new one together. Ellen’s family all live close, and she knows tons of people there and is very active in her church, a place I have also come to value and look forward to serving and growing together in faith there. Life is constantly changing for me now, but I also feel God is clearly “transitioning” me into a new and exciting life with Ellen, and I fully trust Him to do that and feel great peace about that!

Gratitude!

All of this experience, the good, bad, and painful, has only led me to feel more gratitude to God for strengthening me, helping me, and upholding me with his righteous right hand! In Philippians 4:4-9, Paul gives us an amazing formula for living life with God!…

⁴  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. ⁹  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

As I review my life, I am so grateful for what God has shown me and provided for me:

– 43 years shared with Claudia, that gave us 3 amazing sons, 3 daughters-in-law that fit each one perfectly, and 9 wonderful, rambunctious grandchildren

–  my sister and 2 brothers and extended family, and of course many, many wonderful friends over the years that have encouraged and challenged me to become who I am today, and were especially dear to us as we went through the cancer battle

– the joy that God has helped me see my life from his perspective and see a larger, eternal view of his Kingdom and may place in it

– and finally, and most exciting new aspect to my life, the privilege that God has led me to find Ellen and the exciting future that we will share together!  Ellen is a beautiful woman with a wonderful love for God and is also very outgoing and is loved by many friends because she truly has a heart for them! Ellen also has a wonderful family with 2 daughters and 4 grandchildren, so we will have fun blending our families and getting to know them all better!

Ellen had a close friend share with her Isaiah 43:19, which reads

¹⁹  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

I think that’s a perfect verse for us to focus on as we begin our new life, and maybe for you too!

While comfort zones are nice, God is always desiring us to move forward and trust him for a future that only he knows for sure!

I pray that wherever you find yourself right now, whether it be a comfort zone or a transition area, that you will trust in God to strengthen you, help you, and uphold you with his powerful hand, for now and for eternity in his Kingdom!